Happy Halloween boils and ghouls, the Horror-Scopes has returned for another month of decadence. Pain will not be a factor when you read these Horror-scopes, but be prepared to feel a kicking sensation in your stomach. If the kicking results in instantaneous death, please consult the editors of the paper.
Aquarius: January 20- February 18: If you wake up inside a dingy lab and you’re missing limbs it probably a good idea to alert the proper authorities.
Pisces: February 19-March 20: You will get caught Trick O’ Treating by your college peers, mutual embarrassment ensues.
Aries: March 21-April 19: During Halloween you will be the first casualty of apple bobbing.
Taurus: April 20- May 21: Halloween will be spectacular as you receive a prize for best costume at a local Halloween mixer or party (I don’t discriminate between the two.)
Gemini: May 21- June 20: Dressing up, as a real life serial killer was not the best idea, as you spend Halloween in jail.
Cancer: June 21- July 22: You will have horrible luck today, as you get cut by falling leaves.
Leo: July 23- August 22: Jack-O-Lantern carving is not effective if you use a machete. The only accomplishment you’ll make is missing fingers.
Virgo: August 23- September 22: Just because you sport a British accent for Halloween does not mean you pick ladies or gents. The only thing you’re picking up is an ass-kicking from a local soccer hooligan firm.
Libra: September 23- October 22: Putting a plastic bag around your head is not an economically cheap costume; it’s just a dumb idea.
Scorpio: October 23- November 21: Avoid the bearded lady at all costs; you will thank me later… with dinner.
Sagittarius: November 22- December 21: When you were playing seven minutes to heaven (the costumed edition), you found out that the person you were kissing was not in a horse costume, but was an actual horse.
Capricorn: December 22- January 19: Halloween hjinks ensue, when you bring real weapons instead of prop ones in a haunted house. All the amputated limbs and lawsuits later, you determined it was worth it.