Warning: With the semester winding down, the zombie-fied masses of the student body will flock to this section. Why this section some may ask? It’s due to my rapier wit, my life and death balance I have over your fates. These horrorscopes will be the last in a while. Enjoy, your final torment of the year from the Master of Disaster! If you have any questions about my predictions e-mail: [email protected]
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18: With 5 minutes left of your final you answer the hardest question, only to realize that you have answered one question.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20: During the last day of school, you find out why you should keep your hands inside the subway.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19: Your cap and gown has been fitted and you’re ready to walk down the aisle for graduation when you discover you’re one credit short of graduating.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20: I’d like to take this time and opportunity to wish myself a happy birthday and for my entire fellow Tauruses you now owe me one dollar each!
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21: California Love is a song you will not be singing, as summer classes are your plans.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22: Engaging in self destructive behavior during your final week at John Jay College will show you how much fun it truly is.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22: Committing to changing for someone you’re in love with may turn you into a robot.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22: Prepare yourself for the most rigorous test of your life, which asks how good of a lover you are depending on your grip.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23: Today you will question, why are people staring at your lack of pants?
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21: Celebrate being in the prime of your life even though you’re 34 and still a senior in college.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21: The end of the school year brings you great news about being on probation…academic probation that is.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19: An observational report about a ritual you participate in will summon the demon lord Cthulhu and end the world congratulations!!!